It's not about me.

When you think it's about you, that's when you get it wrong.
That's when you get confused.
When you think it's about you getting your dream.
When you think it's about what you're meant to be.
When you think it's all about you.
Your destiny.
That's when you get it wrong.
That's when you get it all wrong.
So wrong.

Some Positive Self Mantras

Be thankful about what you have before you even think about what you don't have.

Think about what you can do, not what you can't do.

Think about how far you've gone, not how much farther you have to go.

That Day

I will be happy someday.

I will have that happiness without having to change the way I look at the situation.

That happiness that can't be denied, can't be ignored. It's just in front of you, and it's yours. Someday, I will have that happiness.

I won't even have to force my will, or wish so hard, or fight for what I want. Instead, it will fight for me, and it will be all I ever wanted.

I won't be left hanging, set aside, forgotten, or taken for granted. I will be treasured like I'm the most important thing.

I will be happy. Right now, it's more like I can be happy. But that day will come when I just can't be not happy.

I will live to see that day. Sometimes I may even have to fight. And fight I will, to move forward towards that day.

//Today's journal entry.

I'll tell you

I love you. I swear I'll tell you. I'll tell you that I love you.

I love you.

Between reality and fantasy

Someone someday might ask me what I dream of. The dream I dream when I close my eyes, but before I fall asleep.

I dream of finding the one for me. I dream of loving and being loved. Of finally holding and being held by the one I love. I make up my dream love story. Sometimes it's the same story from day to day, other times it's different. And though it's a dream, I keep a balance between reality and fantasy, so that I have even a hint of hope that someday it could happen in real life.

I love you A.

I love you A. Even though I shouldn't. And I want to tell you I love you. I'm in love with you. I want to be with you, A. I love you so much.

October midnight

Fly.

Soar.

Here I know.

I will go.

Flee.

Never return.

Take flight.

Escape.

Aim.

Reach.

Somewhere not here.

Never seen.

Or been.

New ground.

Here I know.

I will go.

Someday I will share my story...

I wish I can just write everything down here. I can, technically. It's just that I don't want anyone I know to come across this site and recognize the story and know. And I don't know why I'm thinking like that, least of all why I should care if they knew.

Anyway, I've been out of focus in my spiritual life lately. I haven't been praying that much, and I haven't been reading the Word that much either. And though I don't slow down in ministry, I haven't been that involved or devoted in my relationship with God for quite some time now, and it's dawning on me. It's coming to me, that this is not worth it. I mean, the distractions, being far from God, in my heart, it's cheating myself. In a way, it feels like I missed God.

It's going to take some time, I suppose, to get to a strong spiritual level. It's not just going to happen at will, in a snap. Of course not. I know I'm going to have to want it, and really want it over time. But before I get the wrong mindset, it is not about what I do to be strong in the faith again, it is about what God has done for me and His grace always there, enough for me. And it's not that God has been away that I have to chase Him, it's just that I haven't been responding to his call all this time.

My father, the biological one.
We've had contact in the past few months. It started when he sent me an email, out of the blue. I never would've thought that I'd have any form of communication with him. I never had, all my life. And I never thought it'd be as easy as emails, once we have communication. It's easy as texting, if you'd ask me.

He's not the best person to talk to. And since it seems I wouldn't have it any other way, it's absolutely fine with me. I don't foresee myself getting used to the way he thinks, but we understand each other anyway. We talk and I guess that's what matters.

Weight

She makes life miserable.
She makes her life miserable. It makes ours miserable, I feel like I could snap any moment.

I'm tired, and I mean all the word tired means.

I don't want to be here anymore, this position, this state.

I'm so tired of it all.

This is aimless. My efforts are futile. My heart and mind don't change no matter how hard I convince myself to not like you and want you.

Because, what if you were just being friendly? And you're like that to all your friends? What if you were only being kind, and responsive, and approachable? What if you don't like me after all?

But if I throw it all out the window, what if I'll never know?

The only choice now that I have to make is if it's worth the risk - if I can take the consequences - or if I'll only end up drowning in a mud pit, because you don't like me after all.